


A Year of Lies

by Liaminator18



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-07-19 17:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19977871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liaminator18/pseuds/Liaminator18
Summary: Logan and Patton have been married for years, but something is eating away at Logan's mental health and putting a strain on their relationship.





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 389  
> It is a bit short since it is a prologue, but I will try to keep the rest of the chapters to at least 1000 words.

He knew falling in love was dangerous, so why had he been such a fool and fallen for his best friend? His best friend of years, who was not just a friend anymore. They had been married for years now, but there was something - nay, someone - putting a strain on their relationship. Someone that was missing from the ‘equation.’

He always thinks about that day; in the morning, at work, when he drives home and when going to bed. He could have done something. Maybe he could have-

“Logan?”

Patton interrupted his thoughts as he looked at him from the other side of the kitchen table.

“Oh, excuse me. I must have gotten lost in thought. What were you saying?”

He had probably ‘zoned out’ in the middle of Patton telling him something. Again.

Patton sighed.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it… But it’s been almost a year now, and you’re still as bad as on that day, if not worse…” He said, sounding troubled. “You need to go talk to someone…”

“I do not need to talk about it. I am fine, Patton.”

Pat sighed again.

“Logan… Please. You’re bottling up your emotions. You know you don’t have to hide the way you feel from me…”

Logan felt the familiar burning behind his eyes as he stood up to leave.

“I told you, I am perfectly fine.” he said and started heading towards the bedroom.

When he got there, he made sure the door was closed and then laid down in the bed. He didn’t want Patton to see, or hear, him cry.

_You could have saved him. You_ **_should_ ** _have saved him._

The room started to feel like it was spinning, and his eyes began to fill up with tears.

Before he knew it, there was a hand on his shoulder. As he turned around, he saw Patton standing over him, a worried look on his face.

“You need to talk to someone… This isn’t healthy, Logie.”

Logan wiped the tears from his face and looked at his husband. He seemed genuinely worried about him, but why? Logan was fine, right?

“You need to move on…” Patton continued. “You did what you could. Everyone did.”

Even if that were true, Logan could not help but feel guilty about it. 

“I will try… For you.”


	2. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan goes to his first therapy session, where Dr. Emile pushes all the right buttons.
> 
> Word count: 1059

Standing outside the building, Logan felt like he had been punished for something. Like Patton had forced him to go here. Technically he had, but maybe this would be good? That is at least what he had been telling himself these three weeks leading up to this first appointment.

Surely it could not be worse than Patton and Roman’s “pun-parties”, so this should be fine.

He walked towards the door with heavy feet. Someone he did not know was about to pick through his brain and tell him everything that was wrong with him. No wonder it was difficult to get out of bed this morning.

He walked in and got struck by the realization that there were a lot more people here than he had anticipated. Was this normal?

He sat down in a vacant seat to wait, looking at his wristwatch. 9:43, seventeen minutes early.

_Calm down. It will be fine. Patton said that you need this._

Logan closed his eyes to try and calm himself, and before he knew it, a young man called out his name.

“Logan Fields?”

He got a bit startled and stood up.

“That would be me.”

The man smiled and gestured for Logan to follow him through a quite narrow hallway.

Eventually, they got to a small room with a typical therapist sofa and a chair.

“Take a seat,” the man said, “or lie down. Whichever makes you feel the most comfortable.” Logan’s first instinct was to turn and leave, but he did as the man asked and sat down on the sofa.

“Is this your first time visiting our clinic, Mr. Fields?”

He sounded like he already knew the answer to that question.

“Y- yes. It is my first time at a therapist at all, sir.”

“Oh, please, call me Emile. I want you to see me as a good friend that you can talk about anything with.” He said with a big smile that Logan could not tell if it was forced or not. “So, what brings you here today, Logan?”

Logan felt his heart sink with that question. He knew why Patton had made him go here, but it is still too early for him to open up to this ‘Emile’.

“Well… My spouse made me go.” He admitted. Emile looked taken aback by that reply.

“I’m sorry, your spouse? Why did they feel like you need therapy?” 

Emile seemed to think that this was as normal a conversation as any. He was a complete stranger, so why would Logan open up to him about his supposed emotions?

“I am not sure, si- I mean Emile. He just said that he feels that I am repressing my ‘feelings’. Whatever that means.”

“Did something traumatic happen to you recently?”

Emile had already read through his dirty falsehoods. This session is not going to be as easy as he thought. If he could divert Emile from talking about sensitive subjects, this would be fine.

“I… No. Nothing.” Logan felt his skin crawl whenever he lied. At least this was not as bad as lying to Patton…

“Hmm…” Emile looked very confounded. “Your husband actually called me earlier this week and told me that you struggle with talking about the way you feel. Do you know why this is?”

Logan could feel how his palms were getting sweaty. Emile was striking all the right nerves, and if he keeps doing this, Logan might break down.

“Repressing your feelings about a traumatic event could lead to very severe mental health issues, Logan.” Emile continued, “I want to help you in preventing that. Or, at the very least, reduce the damage.”

“I already told you that there had not been any traumatic events in my life recently,” Logan replied, forcing away a shiver that ran down his spine. “now could we please move on?”

“Logan… Your husband told me about Alex…”

Logan froze. The burning feeling in his eyes was back, and this time, there was nowhere he could go and hide. Alex… Nobody had dared even to mention that name for nearly one year now. At least not near Logan or Patton.

* * *

About six years ago, Patton and Logan felt their family was a bit small since it was only the two of them. They had been married for five years at the time, and Patton had the brilliant suggestion of adopting a child.

Logan had been reluctant to it at first but eventually complied.

At the orphanage, there were a surprising amount of children. At least, it was surprising to Pat and Logan.

After circling the orphanage at least five times, they were getting ready to go home and maybe come back another day. Just as they were about to head out the door, a ten-year-old boy came up to them and grabbed one of the sleeves on Patton’s cardigan.

“Oh, hi there, kiddo.” Patton had said and given the kid a big Patton-smile, “I would need my sleeve back, hehe.”

“Are you looking for someone to adopt?” The boy said, looking hopeful.

Patton looked at Logan, who nodded.

“I think we just found him.” Patton replied and picked the boy up, heading towards the orphan matron. “Excuse me? We would want to adopt this boy.”

The boy looked at Patton and happily said: “my name is Alex.”

* * *

Logan felt the tears running now his cheeks. There was no way he could stop it.

He sat there for at least five minutes, just letting the tears fall from his eyes.

_You should not cry. Only weak people do. You are weak._

The thoughts echoed in his head. Logan was weak, he knew he was, but he could not help it. He missed his son so much that he was unable to be strong.

“Logan,” Emile suddenly broke the silence, “it’s okay to cry sometimes. Especially after losing someone close to you.”

“I could have saved him…” Logan managed to get out, in between sobs. “I could-”

“You did everything you could. You had to protect the other students. I know it’s hard to see, but you saved a lot of people’s lives that day.”

Logan did not even look at Emile. Had he really saved those people instead of his own son? His son that he promised to always protect.

“You’re a hero, Logan, but heroes can’t always save _everyone_.”


	3. Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan thinks back to the day he lost his ability to show emotion.
> 
> Word count: 1024

Logan sure as hell did not feel like a hero. He had abandoned his son when he needed him most, and the consequences had been more than dire.

“Would a hero abandon his child?” Logan finally asked, which made Emile sigh.

“You need to stop with this mental filtering you’re doing, Logan.” He proclaimed, obviously trying hard not to sound condescending. “You need to see the positive ‘consequences’ of the way you acted. You saved them. Without you, they probably would have gotten caught in the crossfire too.”

Logan thought back to that day, almost a year ago.

* * *

**September 3rd, 2018**

It was a beautiful and sunny Monday morning. The birds were singing their usual tunes, up in the treetops.

Alex Fields had just turned 15 and was figuratively shining brighter than the sun that morning. He was wearing a light blue t-shirt that Patton had given him for his birthday about a week earlier. It had a pun on the front. Logan hated it, but clearly, Alex loved it.

It had a whale on it, and the text read ‘I’m a bisexu-whale’.

A month or two before his birthday, he had told Logan and Patton about him being bisexual, so Patton figured it was a perfect gift.

“Morning, dad!” He chimed, in his typical happy-go-lucky voice, smiling as wide as ever.

“Good morning, Alex.” Logan replied, sipping his morning coffee. “Did you sleep well?”

Their conversation continued just like any other morning; the two of them talking about what they had dreamt during the night, what they hoped they were going to achieve during the week, etc.

Patton was already at work, as usual, since his workday started at 7.

Soon enough, it was time for them to get to school. Logan worked as a teacher at Alex’s school, so they went out to Logan’s car and got in. Alex was looking forward to turning 16 in a year so that he could get his own driver’s license and car.

“Can’t I get to drive a little bit today, dad?” He asked.

“Absolutely not. You will have to wait until next year.” Logan sternly said, while getting in the driver’s seat.

Alex replied with a slightly sad “Okay…” and got in the passenger’s seat. Logan hated to disappoint him, but he hated breaking the law even more. Alex would simply have to wait.

They eventually turned up on the school’s parking lot, and Alex immediately got out of the car and started running off towards his friends.

“See you later, dad!” He yelled as he ran.

When he finally got to his friends, he looked back at Logan and smiled. Logan smiled back and waved before heading inside to go to the teachers’ lounge.

Walking in, the all too familiar smell of coffee and cinnamon buns hit him. 

Every Monday, Sasha brought homemade cinnamon buns for all the school’s personnel, and they were delicious!

Before walking to his usual seat on the sofa, he made sure to grab one. He loved preparing the day’s lessons while nibbling on Sasha’s buns.

His first lesson was going to start in about thirty minutes, so he had plenty of time.

Twenty-five minutes later, he got up from his seat and started heading towards the classroom. He always enjoyed the first lesson on Mondays; astronomy.

About half-way through, an alarm starts sounding through the school, but it’s not a fire alarm.

The alarm was not a proper alarm, as such. It was instead the principal informing over the speakers that there is an intruder. Someone has gotten into the school, holding a gun.

Logan realized that he and his class are one of the closest to the entrance, and therefore would most likely be one of the first classrooms targeted by the intruder. He needed to act quickly, or they would all be in danger.

“Alright, class, we need to move quickly. Do you trust me?”

His class just nodded, clearly frightened that there is a person with a gun in the school.

“We need to get to the auditorium. The doors there are much sturdier and safer against gunshots, and we can easier keep the intruder out.” He continued, as he moved towards the door to see if the person was near. It seemed reasonably fine at the moment. “Go, now!” He opened the door and let the students run as fast as they could, while he kept an eye out for the intruder.

Just then he heard gunshots coming from just down the hall, thankfully in the opposite direction of where his class just ran. He knew that someone (or probably quite a few people) most likely just got shot. Possibly even killed, but he did not have time to worry about them right now. He had to save the people in the other classrooms. They at least had a chance to get away safely right now.

He rushed to the nearest classroom, ordering them to do the same as his class just did. Get to the auditorium. He would meet up with them later.

He continued to work his way towards the gunshots, going into each classroom and telling them to run. 

Before long, he was standing face to face with the intruder.

They aimed the gun at him and was seemingly about to shoot, but then they just stopped and stared at him.

“You’re either really brave or remarkably stupid for running towards the sound of gunfire.” They said, with a low, gravelly voice.

“If I can help people escape, I do not see a reason just to run away.” Logan answered, barely even batting an eye, although he knew that he was terrified.

At that moment, Logan could hear the sound of police cars arriving outside. Some ambulances too, most likely.

“I think that is the sound that means you should give up.” Logan said, almost surprised with his boldness.

“Oh yeah?”

They aimed at Logan again.

“I have already managed to kill quite a few people. One more should be fine.” They said menacingly. 

_Is this how I die? I hope Alex is okay… I was unable to get to him..._


	4. 4 words to help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan wakes up in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this hasn't been posted earlier, but here it is and I hope you like it!

Silence.

Deafening silence.

How can something as loud as someone firing a gun at you, be silent?

Logan could see the bullets coming towards him. Slowly, like the world was going in slow-motion. He could not move a muscle, only watch as the bullets inched closer.

A loud screaming broke the silence and Logan saw that someone was running towards the shooter, from behind. Why had he not seen them before?

The world was slow still, and it seemed to affect his thoughts, although having the opposite effect. His mind was racing all over the place, and he kept coming back to ‘this is how I die…’

Wait. Is that… Alex?

_Nonononono, get out of here, Alex! They will shoot you too! You should be in the auditorium! What are you doing here-_

As the world returned to its regular speed, Logan immediately felt the sharp pain of being shot in the abdomen. As he fell to the floor, he saw the shooter turn around, most likely having heard Alex’s footsteps, and fire their gun.

Logan could see the red splatters flying as his son fell limp to the floor. Alex seemed to look straight into Logan’s eyes, mouthing something to him. Thanks to Logan’s skills in mouth reading, he knew what he said.

“I’m sorry…”

Had he done this to try and save Logan? Or was it just a distraction? Nonetheless, he should have stayed out of it.

Before long, the world went dark, and all that existed was the distressed voices of the police officers and paramedics rushing to their rescue.

_Focus on him. Save him._

Logan wanted to yell at them but found himself unable to open his mouth. He was still able to hear them.

The shots, the frantic orders from the officers, the paramedics yelling at each other what they needed to do to help him. Everything. Everything except what he wanted to hear; them helping Alex.

_Please, save him…_

Next thing he knew, he was in a brightly lit room, Patton sitting in a chair beside the bed. He appeared to be asleep.

Logan always enjoyed watching Patton sleep.

He tried to sit up, but felt immense pain in his torso and looked down.

Oh. Right. The gunshots.

He looked at Patton again, who seemed to be waking up.

“Pat…?” Logan uttered weakly.

Patton, still somewhat sleepy, let out a slight whine. The exact whines he does every morning when Logan tells him to get up.

Logan couldn’t help but smile a bit.

“Five more minutes…” He mumbled, as adorable as always.

“Sleeping in a chair is not good for you, love.”

The realisation seemed to strike the sleepy man because as Logan finished his sentence, Patton opened his eyes and looked at him.

He looked overwhelmed with emotion, which was not exactly anything new when it comes to Patton, but somehow, it felt different. And not in a good way.

“Where is Alex?” Logan suddenly blurted out, without a second thought. “Is he alright?”

Patton didn’t answer. Instead, he looked towards the door leading to the hallway. Why was he so quiet? This wasn’t like him.

“Patton? Did you not hear me?” Logan asked, trying to figuratively turn up the volume on his voice, without having it hurt.

“I did…”

“Then where is he?”

“He… In surgery still…”

“What? But-” Logan cut himself off as the vision of his son being shot right in front of him returned. Alex probably got shot way worse than Logan had been.

His eyes suddenly started burning, as if someone had poured salt in his them. 

“Is he- is he going to survive?” He eventually managed to stutter out, past the lump that was forming in his throat.

“They’re doing everything they can, but-” Patton stopped to listen to some footsteps outside the door. He was probably hoping it would be news about Alex, but alas they continued past the door.

“They don’t know… He lost a lot of blood and- and-” Patton couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. Logan could see a few tears running down his husband’s face, leaving wet, trickling lines on his cheeks.

_He will die because you did not save him. You are a horrible father._

Logan was trying hard not to let the burning in his eyes turn into water, but it was difficult, and the burning only kept growing stronger. The fact that Patton was already crying wasn’t exactly helping either.

Eventually, the door swung open, and a doctor walked in. He looked at Logan, seemingly a bit surprised. He probably did not expect him to be awake just yet.

“Ah, Mr. Fields, you’re awake.” He said. “How are you feeling?”

What kind of stupid question was that? Logan had just been shot, and his son was still in surgery after also getting shot, how do you think it feels!? 

Alright, Logan, calm down. He’s just asking to see how aware you are of your surroundings, it’s standard procedure.

“I-” It hurt too much to speak right now, which the doctor seemed to understand.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to speak. Frankly, I wasn’t even expecting you to be awak-”

Patton cut him off. “Is Alex okay?” It was hard not to notice that he was also pushing past a lump in his throat.

The doctor just sighed, looked at Logan and Patton with a serious look in his eyes.

“I assure you; we are doing everything in our power to help him.”

Patton’s eyes glimmered with hope. Logan’s, however, did not. He had noticed that the doctor seemed to be telling a lie of omission, but he didn’t even want to think about what information he might have left out. It could be the worst possible thing he could imagine, but it could also be way less serious.

Logan didn’t know what to think, and his mind was starting to figuratively spiral out of control. Even though he was lying down, he felt like he was going to fall over. Or maybe like he was floating in outer space, weightless, spinning, forever.

“I will let you know as soon as I have news on his condition.” The doctor broke the silence, that Logan had barely noticed, that had fallen over the room.

“Thank you, doctor.” Patton replied, sounding a bit more like his cheerful self than 2 minutes ago.

The doctor checked Logan’s vitals, before leaving the room.

Patton looked at him.

_Those stupidly pretty eyes…_

Patton always looked so pretty with his big brown eyes, especially when he was filled with hope or happiness. Logan loved them. He loved all of Patton, but especially his eyes.

“Logan?” Patton broke the silence, that had once again fallen over the room. “You know I love you, right?”

Logan still found it hard to speak, but managed to get out a meekly “Yes”. Patton smiled, with a hint of sorrow. Or was it worry? Nonetheless, he was in emotional pain. Logan had learned to read Patton well enough to tell when he was. To help him out of the emotional pain, at least a little bit, all Logan had to do was utter four words.

He pulled all the strength he had in his body and pushed through the pain.

“I love you too…”


End file.
